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Hilarious Mugabe quotes that have got his audiences peeing in their pants

Posted by African Press International on May 30, 2016

By MIke Mswati Monday, May 30th 2016 at 07:56

For a long time, even as the Western world and media criticised Zimbabwe’s president Robert Mugabe, he remained a hero to many Zimbabweans and Africans until recently.

But due to his clinging onto power and Zimbabwe’s devastating economic crisis blamed on him, Comrade Bob has increasingly become a foe to many, with some referring to him as an incompetent tyrant. Bob, has, however, a side of him that is hardly talked about.

On many occasions, Internet jokers have attribute some quotes to Mugabe. They are not only malicious, inciting, mischievous and stupid but also out rightly hilarious.

They are an odd choice of words and crazy comparisons that always leaves many in stitches. The off-the-wall quotable quotes linger on the mind for long. There are many random hilarious quotes that have been attributed to the octogenarian. Sample the following.

“Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow,” “Some women’s legs are like rumours, they just keep on spreading.” “It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days because each time you take a piece from her hair to the witchdoctor, either an innocent Brazilian woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.” “It’s better for a man to be stingy with the money he has hustled for, than for a woman to deny you a hole that she didn’t even drill it herself.” “Don’t fight over girlfriends. This country is full of beautiful women. If you can’t get one, come to Mugabe for assistance.”

“If you are ugly; you are ugly — stop talking about inner beauty because we don’t walk around with X-ray machines to determine such claims.” “Dear sister, don’t be deceived by a man who text you “I miss you” only when it’s raining. You are not an umbrella.”

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“Check your girlfriend’s body, if she has more tattoos or piercings, you can cheat on her. She is already used to pain.” “Some of you girls can’t even jog for five minutes, but expect a guy to last in bed with you for two hours? Madness! Your level of selfishness demands a one-week salvation crusade.”

“God is the best inventor ever. He took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker!” “If women think having their periods (menstruation) in a whole month is a difficult task, they should ask the men how difficult it is to control an erect (memeber) in public.”

“Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.”

When debate on homosexuality hit fever pitch some time back, with US president Barack Obama championing for the rights of gay men, good old ‘Bob’ scoffed: “If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first.”

As if that wasn’t enough, he threw in yet another deft claim: “Even Satan wasn’t gay, at the Garden of Eden, he chose to approach unclad Eve instead of unclad Adam.”

On the numerous rumours about his death, the octogenarian is rumoured to have once quipped: “I have died many times. I have actually beaten Jesus Christ because he only died once”.

When Western envoys threatened to slap sanctions on Zimbabwe a while back, a furious ‘Mugabe’ is quoted to have hissed: “We don’t mind having sanctions banning us from Europe. We are not Europeans, after all”.

On the economy comrade Bob was once quoted as having said: “Our economy is a hundred times better than most African countries. Outside South Africa, which other country has a better economy than Zimbabwe? The only thing we lack are good on shelves and money in our pockets — that’s it.”

When reading Western leaders the riot act in the past, Bob, in a fit of fury, is quoted as having once said: “The only white man you can trust is a dead one”. “You come take gold and leave holes in my country, no!”

Best Regards,
Chief Editor,
African Press International

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