African Press International (API)

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Bedroom odds on the rise – sex is good if spouses care for one another

Posted by African Press International on June 13, 2009

By Shirley Genga
It is like a drug junky that is never satisfied, and is constantly reaching for the sensation created by the initial dose, which soon becomes deflated, leaving in its place a feeling of emptiness. Then the urgent urge to “fill the void” presents with the hope that it will give you that highly desired ecstasy but this is rarely the case. This scenario is equal to an incomplete orgasm.
The desired flash never arrives, despite the effort put in and certainty the user may harbour of triumphing. The repeated doses aggravate the need for pleasure, leaving a deep void in their wake. This void develops in intensity dragging the user like a puppet without will in the name of reaching that elusive high.
This is the latest frenzy that has flooded Kenyan streets. People are no longer satisfied with normal sexual liaisons. They want and want so badly, the prohibited sex that pornography, movies, magazines and books perpetrate to be the ultimate sexual high.

Most couples are so caught up in trying to improve their sex life that they will try anything.

When Jackie, a former househelp met her husband John, he was the perfect man very nice to her and treated her with utmost respect. Because John had more money than she had ever had in her entire life, he was the perfect escape from poverty. Jackie did not need to think twice and she married him very fast. But her marriage turned into one of sexual violations that she was unprepared for.

Trials with the new
For starters, her husband was never satisfied sexually. He always seemed to be unleashing something new for them to try out. And she always obeyed until she could take in no more and announced that time was ripe to set the boundaries. John was enraged and took to beating her silly, every evening when he returned home from work. He would then drag her into watching pornography then coerce her into replaying the scenes in bed.
Jackie says: “I felt violated by some of the gross things he forced me into in the false believe that they were the only way to him getting sexually satisfied. A lot of time it hurt. Some of these things belong only to the animal kingdom. After he was done, I cried myself to sleep, feeling very dirty and used. Worse still, with each session of pornography he watched, he got viler. Then one day he announced that he was bringing another woman into our marital bed for a threesome that it would heighten our sexual experience I knew he had lost his mind. I simply packed up and left. I have a simple job now, but I am happy”.
Pastor Allan Okello Adada of Mavuno church says that for couples to be happy and contented, they need to live by Gods standards. That God did not hinder pleasure but set boundaries outside of which humans will spend the rest of their lives searching for a high that is non-existent.

“The Bible warns us to guard our eyes and ears. Do not be quick to follow what you see on the television because it is simply fantasy. If you want to be happy and satisfied, guard your marital bed jealously do not let anything and anyone in,” cautions Adada.

From pornography, to child pornography, then one-night stands to threesomes and the latest trend swingers, sex is increasingly getting aberrant with time.

Mike, an Engineer thinks these are signs of the end times. He says when he recently confided in a friend about how intimacy with his wife had become boring, the friend invited him and four other married couples for a romantic trip to Mombasa, supposedly to strengthen their unions.

Shock on us
“We stayed in one of the couples house a luxurious beach mansion. On arrival, the women were asked to write their names on a piece of paper. fold and drop it in a cup. The men followed suit. We were then asked to pick a piece randomly only to discover that the name we had picked would be our sexual partner for that day. The routine would be repeated the next day in the name of improving our sex lives! What shocked me most was that everyone else was okay with the idea. My wife immediately packed our belongings and we left in protest. What kind of things are people engaging in today?” Mike posits.
Mike later discovered that the movement his friend was involved in operated under the name swingers an American slang used to describe couples and individuals who see their sexual life from a different prospective and who readily swapped spouses to heighten their sexual experience.
Although this culture is common among the middle upper class in America, it is fast spreading among some wealthy Kenyans.

Christine Mwakima, a Counsellor, from Nairobi Womens Hospital asserts that, although couples should try to spice up their sex lives, they should not be so quick to try anything and everything.

Disastrous results
“The search for this elusive sexual high can only lead to disaster. Many people like to replicate everything they see in pornographic movies, never realising that the person behind it is doing it for money. Pornography is an illusion that will simply get you hooked and promise you thunder bolts in bed but never really satisfy you. People should stick to what they know,” says Mwakima.
“As much as sex is important, most marital problems evolve around sex. Just because you saw “threesomes” on TV does not mean that you need to try it out naively. Sex just like everything else has its boundaries, without which trouble erupts. People struggle so much to achieve this ultimate high but spend little time in developing the all-important emotional connection with their spouse”.
Michael, a banker though married, says that he cannot disengage from one-night-stands and strip clubs. “They create a fantasy that I would never find at home. I know that it hurts my wife when I stray, but our sex life is boring. I get that sexual high from the forbidden acts even though sometimes it makes me feel enslaved”.

Sexologist Getrude Mungai insists that like all things in life, sex in marriage should also be spiced from time to time to avoid monotony and subsequently infidelity. Those boundaries are essential and that couples must return to the basics that sex should be between a husband and wife and no third party or more for that matter should be allowed in.

She says todays couples are caught up in the frantic search for the elusive sexual high because of pornography, the media and bad company. “People forget that the actors in the movies are people paid to do despicable acts that they probably despise, but cant resist the allure of money. Porn could become addictive, elusive and as no emotional attachment. Peers can also bring undue pressure to a couples sex life. Take for example a guy bragging that he can go five rounds a night to his gullible friends, who in turn go back home and demand sex all night! Same case applies to a woman who has never had an orgasm, hearing how glorious an experience it is from sometimes exaggerating friends. All these and more could make people search for that ultimate high in the wrong places, not realising that its all in the mind. The brain is the biggest sex organ!”

Just a fantasy
She adds: “People need to realise that physical thirst can never be quenched and the more one pursues it the more they crave it and the deeper the emotional need gets. Unfortunately, such individuals think it is more sex they need and hence the addiction. This leads to extreme and more daring and destructive actions. Fantasies must stay as such, just fantasies! Believe me they are more exciting in our minds, than in reality. Most times fantasies border the extreme, a place that could not be crossed causally, only in our minds and subconscious,” says Getrude.
Getrude also strongly believes that the ultimate lovemaking is not just physical contact but a connection of the heart, soul, mind and finally the body. She says that only when all these ingredients are present do couples have an enduring, great and healthy sex life. That physical attraction fades within the first year or after a few months. When this happens, couples go on a quest to restore the physical connection. The couple may find temporary solutions, but they soon become inefficient because of the emotional void. Thus couples should work on the emotional if they want a good sex life.
In her parting shot, Getrude says: “Its essential to have boundaries in everything, sex included. As the saying goes, too much of something is poisonous. Couples must communicate their needs and desires. Its also prudent to research carefully before engaging in anything new. They must think about the consequences before hand. I think there are a million ways to have vaginal sex with your spouse only, after over 10 years of marriage there are things I am yet to do with my husband and we keep discovering new ways all the time”.

source.standard.ke

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