One night stand – sexual piracy

By Kiundu Waweru

I wallow in nostalgia as I reminisce the good old days when courtship used to be a virtue. Oh! The joy of wooing a lady; the thrill of boy meeting girl, boy liking girl, girl playing hard to get; of lovers taking long walks hand in hand at night, with crickets chirping love songs and the stars lighting up their faces in smiles of intimacy.

Today, the dating scene is changing dramatically as people are engage in casual flings with impunity. Traditional values and morals are fast going down the drain in a modern trend only precedented in the First World. This trend seems to be the new kid in the block, for it has seen a new player who until hitherto was just a meek bystander – the woman. Over the ages, men have been the assertive of the sexes, giving him the right of calling the shots in any relationship. It is men who used to propose; the same men who thought it were their right to be polygamous. But the improved status of the educated woman in the society has redefined her cultural standing, and man has been caught, pants down in his own game.

This trend, which is rampant mostly in the cities, is the one-night-no-strings-attached affair. The phenomenon is not, after all, foreign, as men have been engaging in casual flings since time immemorial. The infamous Koinange street night orgies is living proof of this but, there is a difference. The Koinange street one night stand is paid sex whilst the new trend is by mutual agreement.

Both men and women of means, education and intelligence engage in it.

Mugure, a single mother of two is a successful business lady. She travels a lot and says she has no time for relationships. But as she asserts, a woman has needs and desires. Although she is careful not to commit, she occasionally flirts with attractive men she meets during her travels and she says as gullible as men are, this most certainly lead to a lunch date or a drink, and to even sex. No phone numbers are exchanged for there is a non-written rule: No baggage please!

Fast paced hunter

Phillip is a womaniser who likes to prey on lonely women in bars and clubs. He is charming, handsome and people find him likeable and easy to talk to. He buys the women he meets drinks and before they know it, they are saying yes, yes, to his demands. After hitting on them, he disappears without a trace. The women too have no need of him afterwards.

But a few months back, Phillip was given his own dose of medicine. He was at one of his haunts when in walked an elegantly dressed lady. She came straight to his table and asked him if she could join him. He nodded grinning from ear to ear, apparently thanking his maker for “dropping this good looking manna” straight onto his laps. As he was formulating a seduction formula in his mind, the lady asks him, “Are you expecting someone?” He quick answer was no. “In that case, we can hop to another pub, I find this one boring,” she says. He readily agrees. Phillip reaches for his phone to call for a cab, but the lady hands him her car keys, whoa! “What a night!” Phillip muses. After hitting the highway, the lady tells him, “I was thinking maybe we can go to my digs for a night cap.” Phillip licks his lips in anticipation; he cannot believe his luck. The lady directs him and soon they arrive at her apartment in Valley Arcade. Phillip is mesmerised. After downing a bottle of Red Wine, one thing leads to another and they share a night of heated passion.

The lady wakes him from his drunken sleep at five o’clock in the morning. He opens his mouth to complain, but she politely shuts him up, hands him a thousand bob for a taxi, and then profusely thanks him for a nice time.

Phillip’s case seems alien to ordinary mortal souls, yet it is real and happening. But why are the tables of normal dating, being reversed?

Joseph Thuku, a senior counsellor with Kemri-Cdc attributes this to the pressures of modern living and changing lifestyles. Says he: “Recent years have seen great achievements from young people who are armed with degrees and securing high profile jobs earning them mega bucks. This has seen rise to changed lifestyles which has given dating a whole new meaning.

Men are an adventurous lot and some experiment with one night stands for the heck of it. For married men, it may be because they are not getting enough sex at home. Their wives may be indifferent to their needs, or perhaps because they want to try out their wild fantasies, which will be too embarrassing to try out with someone you will share the breakfast table and consequently your life with.

Most men detest emotional attachment and the responsibilities of a steady relationship, they prefer to ‘hit and run’ and avoid the ‘baggage’ as Mugo, a banker says: “I hate commitments now that I am building my career and working on my postgraduate programme. And seeing that women have lowered their love bar if I want to get intimate, well, that’s no big deal; I know where to look for a quickie.”

The counsellor says that women have entered the scene with a bang due to the feminism campaign. They want to concentrate on their careers hence neglecting getting married and raising children. Some women, who have previously been cheated on, avoid relationships like the plague; they simply cannot trust again.

Dare devil phenomenon

Thuku says even married women have not been left behind in this dare devil phenomenon. Some of them especially the learned ones who are inclined to push for equality are engaging in casual flings to get back at their spouses.

“Woe unto you if she finds out you are unfaithful, she will flirt with the colleague who has been eyeing her, and because she does not want to break up her family, she will not take the relationship to the next level after getting her revenge.”

The modern woman is wary of the demands of commitment; what with her role as an urban working lady and furthering her studies!

She abhors men’s domineering character, and because she wants affirmative action, she has redefined her dating profile. One-night-stands allow her the independence she so much craves. She will not have a man calling and texting her at odd hours to know where she is and with whom. She can travel freely, and have the time to be ‘her’.

The counsellor asserts that even those in steady relationships have not been spared either.

With changing lifestyles the diet of many people features junk food. This, among other factors lowers libido and one partner may feel left out and sexually starved. Thus he/she will look elsewhere for intimacy; and because they hold the optimism of somehow salvaging their relationships, they will make the flings a one-night thing.

Thuku says because of their tight schedules, couples are not communicating but opt for the undemanding way out, which is the ‘casual fling.’

Long distance relationships also contribute to the flings, as Achieng says: “My fiancÈe went to the States two years ago. I cannot love another man but, I also have needs you know,” she winks mischievously. Now she opts for one night stands whenever she has the urge.

“I used to feel guilty but now I console myself saying he probably is doing the same,” Achieng adds.

Thuku notes that one-night-stands stand out for their convenience in that you are not obliged to ever see each other again; so one is free to live as if nothing happened. Hooking up is not an issue for you can flirt anywhere, be it in a matatu or in a queue at the bank.

But the dangers inherent are great. He cites family break-ups, diminishing age-old values, and risk of sexually transmitted diseases and exposure to HIV/ Aids.

I cannot end this better than with the words of Frank Sinatra who said: “If I had as many love affairs as you give me credit for, I would be speaking to you from a jar at a shelf in Harvard medical school”.

Published by API africanpress@getmail.no source.standard.ke